Funny Jokes

This is the Funny Jokes section, here we have some absolute pearlers from some of the Funniest people around!

I encourage you to offer me your own Funny Jokes and where you can add your own Funny Stuff or just simply read through some of the Funniest things currently on the Internet!

Enjoy:

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops

Although they do make me look a bit gay

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We all refer to my Grandad when he comes round as Spiderman.

Not because he’s a super hero, because he cant get out of the bath…

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10 years of bloody war and battle.

Trillions of dollars of Taxpayers money spent.

Thousands of innocent soldiers dead.

State of the art computet ant Telecomms Technology and the US finally found Bin Laden:

At home, In his house under his bed!

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I not a fan of this hot weather I have to keep all my windows closed because all my next door neighbour’s kids do is wail and scream!

I’m seriously considering letting them out of the cellar and taking them back.

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I learned three life changing things today:

Number 1- I’m gonna be a dad
Number 2 – I’m gonna be an uncle
Number 3 – My sister’s not on the pill

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I really didn’t help myself in court yesterday.

I was arrested for child porn charges and received a verdict of guilty.

The Judge said “How does 5-6 years sound?”

I replied “Sexy”

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Barack Obama – Must be the first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did kill him.

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Just got overtaken on the motorway by a chap in a big AA van. He looked like he was shouting at himself and crying.

I thought that fuckers heading for a breakdown.

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My daughter is turning into a right tell-tale, you should have heard her last night

“Mum, Mum, Dad’s up here on my mobile AGAIN!!”

My bird came stomping up the stairs into the bedroom and shouted at me

“For God’s sake Mick!!! Stop swinging round on that thing over the cot, she’s got to get up for nursery school tomorrow”.

Miserable bitch!!!

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The other day I texted my fiance saying “I want to kick and torch your puppy”.

She replied back to me “LMAO! Are you having problems with predictive text too baby?”

I text her back saying “No?”

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My wife tried to be sexy for me last night, she did a sexy strip then took her underwear off and started to slide a lollipop up towards her love tunnel.

I reached forward, gently touched her arm and said to her, ‘Don’t forget where you put that, I’ll need it in the morning to make sure the kids get across the road safely!’

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I used to love the final smooch dance at the old school discos. It was a proper excuse to get up real close and sneakily rub myself against a girl I’d had my eye on for ages, maybe give her bum a feel, and if I was really lucky even get a cheeky snog out of it.

Those were the good old days………

Pity I lost my job as a Teacher

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Me and my missus were talking about our erotic dreams and our fantasies.
I told her “I once had a really dirty dream involving Cheryl Cole.”
She said cockily “Oh did you really? Well the last one I had involved meatloaf.”
I replied ” That doesn’t surprise me you fat Cow!”

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This is one of my favourite Funny Jokes:

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A Mexican, a Scandanavian, 2 Puerto Ricans, 3 Germans, a Czech, a Scotsman, 2 Englishmen, a Romanian, 3 Lithuanians, a South African, a Frenchman, a Hungarian, a Swiss guy, 2 Brazilians, a Phillipino, 2 Australians, an Irishman, a Danishman, 2 Austrians, a Bulgarian, 2 Poles, a Venezualan, 2 Welshmen, 3 Bolivians, an African, 2 Spaniards, a Turk, a Peruvian, 3 Swedes and a bloke from Ecuador go to walk into a bar.

The Bouncer stops them and says “I’m sorry lads but im afraid I can’t let you in without a Thai !!”

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